St. Louis Wedding Celebrant: Summer 2015

Vows to Children

When two people decide to marry, the impact on them and their families is profound. When one or both of those people have young children they are bringing into the marriage, even more so. It both complicates and enriches their lives. As a Celebrant, I always offer the couple the opportunity to include the child or children in the ceremony. Often this takes the form of including the child as a Flower Girl or Ring Bearer, or as a participant in a Unity Candle or Unity Sand ceremony.

But one of the most moving moments often occurs when the new parent chooses to offer vows or promises to the children. Whether they have written original vows or borrowed vows from samples I make available to them, witnessing the new parent attempt to put into words the love and commitment they feel for the child is powerful beyond words. And so incredibly important is it to the child that this new parent clarifies what his or her role is in their new family!

New Parent:  Sally, I want you to know that I love you and your father very much.  Even though I am not your mother, I promise to protect and care for you as my own daughter.  I promise to do my best to guide and support you, and to respect you enough to allow you to see the world through your own eyes.  I will always try to offer you words of kindness and love each day.

St. Louis Wedding Celebrant: Winter 2015

Choosing Your Officiant 

Most engaged couples have had little if any experience in choosing their wedding officiant. If they have been married before, the ceremony was often in a house of worship where their officiant was a given. The vast majority of the couples I work with have not been married before and quite often, I am the first officiant they are meeting with to discuss their ideas for their wedding ceremony.

If you believe that your ceremony is the most important part of your wedding day, then you want to be sure that your officiant is someone who takes the time to get your story right. The Celebrant Foundation & Institute   recommends asking these questions before hiring your officiant:

How do you create the ceremony? “Do we have final approval over the script?” Ideally, the officiant should collaborate with you every step of the way so that the ceremony is tailor-made for you. Don’t let a boilerplate ceremony be imposed on you.

When will you arrive? The officiant should be available at least 45 minutes before the ceremony in order to run through any last minute changes, and to coordinate details with readers, musicians, photographers and videographers.

Does your fee include a full rehearsal at the wedding venue? Many officiants don’t rehearse, but a full rehearsal may be essential for a beautifully choreographed ceremony and for calming last-minute nerves.

Can we vary the traditional choreography of a wedding? You may wish to face your guests rather than the officiant, or have the officiant stand to the side instead of between you and your spouse. Make sure your officiant is open to these suggestions.

What training do you have in creating and officiating at ceremonies? Many officiants have no specific training. Look for those who have a sound background in the history of ritual and ceremony, knowledge of wedding traditions around the world, the ability to manage and choreograph a wedding party, and experience in public ceremonial speaking.

Will you work with our other wedding professionals? The officiant should coordinate as needed with musicians to provide music cues for the ceremony, with photographers and videographers to assist them in getting the best shots, and with the staff of your venue to ensure that the ceremony will not conflict in any way with their requirements.

St. Louis Wedding Celebrant: Autumn 2013

Since Labor Day weekend, I have officiated at twenty-one wedding ceremonies. Whew! Where has the time gone? Now, as I head into a quieter November, I’ve got a little bit of time to look back and ruminate.

As I performed many weddings this year, I carried with me some sadness over the break ups of two different couples I know, both of whom had been together over twenty-five years. I wanted to tell these newlyweds of 2013 a cautionary tale or two about not taking each other for granted; or that no one’s relationship is immune to wear and tear, and to the steep toll life’s difficulties can exact from a marriage. Of course, I did not. It is not my place. And it is not the time.

At the very same time, I have had the great privilege to witness the love and fidelity of my father-in-law Dave, as he journeyed with my mother-in-law Jean, through her final days with Alzheimer’s Disease. Theirs was a 64-year marriage, not perfect (does such a thing exist?), but they faced the world together, side-by-side, one day at a time, until her death on October 5.

Every couple I meet believes that they will make their marriage last a lifetime. And so we celebrate the belief, the hope, the firm intention, and the vows to do just that, knowing that we will sometimes fall short of each other’s expectations, but celebrating, nonetheless. And, hopefully, the celebration will bring us closer to becoming the people we long to be for ourselves and for one another. As I continue in this Celebrant work, my hope for each couple is that theirs may be a partnership of integrity, love, and joy!

St. Louis Wedding Celebrant: Summer 2013

“It is such powerful work we do, and we are rewarded by being witness to so much beauty.”

– Dina Stander, Ordained Certified Celebrant

These comments were made recently by another Celebrant and sum up so well my experience since embarking on this Celebrant path in 2007. And I’ve noticed that it doesn’t even require a long and elaborate ceremony to reap these rewards. For example: Recently I performed a short, civil ceremony for a couple who was going to have a longer Hindu marriage ceremony the next day. We were in the home of the parents of the groom with the bride and groom, both sets of parents, a couple of siblings, and an aunt. The ceremony took all of five minutes. And yet, the love and joy that was present in that room was palpable and powerful. Even I was moved to tears, and I had just met everyone shortly before the ceremony!

Long or short, secular or spiritual, each ceremony can become a reflection of the beauty of the hearts, minds and souls of its participants. What a joy to be able to witness this, time and time again! Do I ever get tired of it? No, not really. Of course, I get tired when I work a lot, and that’s why I make sure to schedule time off to relax, refresh, and renew myself. But even when I’m feeling a little weary, once the ceremony begins, I am no longer conscious of my fatigue. Instead, as I participate in the ceremony, I experience a heightened sense of awareness of the significance of these distinct moments in time for the ceremony participants. That awareness gives me all the energy I need.

So here I am,  in the middle of my seventh “wedding season.”  Thanks to all of you who trust me with your ceremonies, I’m still having the time of my life!

St. Louis Wedding Celebrant: Spring 2013

It’s been a busy Spring! I had four ceremonies in March, seven in April, and I’m preparing for eight in May. Add to that my work on Summer ceremonies and beginning some Fall ceremonies, I’ve not had a lot of time to stop and smell the flowers. Not that we’ve had many flowers to check out here with this unusually late St. Louis Spring.

Flowers or not, since 1970 this time of year brings us Earth Day, an annual opportunity to take a look at how each of us can make a contribution toward improving life on planet Earth. I am always looking for ways to improve in this area, and I hope to see the wedding industry become more genuinely “green” as time goes by.

This past year I became an “approved vendor” with The Green Bride Guide www.greenbrideguide.com .  The Green Bride Guide is a comprehensive and credible green wedding resource online. The Directory is like a Yellow Pages for green weddings that provides a centralized resource of green wedding vendors, searchable by geographic area.

According to the Green Bride Guide, almost 50% of couples are now looking to include green elements in their events, and 85% are concerned about “greenwashing,” the passing off of non-green companies as eco-friendly. To address these concerns, the Green Bride Guides screens all vendors in the directory and displays their green practices in their profiles.

I will soon be adding a “going green” page to my website to describe in more detail my ongoing efforts toward lessoning my carbon footprint, both in my personal and professional lives. So, stay tuned!

Marriage: “A Momentous Act of Self-Definition”

As the United States Supreme Court prepares to hear two cases next week involving same-sex marriage laws, it seems fitting to reprint an excerpt from Goodridge vs. Department of Health, the landmark Massachusetts case which found that same-sex couples have the right to marry in that state. I first became aware of this excerpt when a couple told me that they wanted to use it as a reading for their civil union ceremony. Since then, both same-sex and hetero couples have requested this reading. Some consider it a political statement, others simply a good definition of marriage. Take a look and see what you think. Me? I think it is both!

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations….Without question, civil marriage enhances the “welfare of the community.” It is a “social institution of the highest importance.” Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family…. Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.

(Supreme Court Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall) 

A Celebrant Wedding for Liz and Criss?

Last night on NBC’s 30 Rock, Tina Fey’s lead character Liz Lemon got married.  But this TV wedding had very little in common with most real weddings I’ve been to, and was unlike most TV weddings – period!  As I watched and laughed I couldn’t help but think, like the Celebrant that I am, “These people could use a Celebrant!”

As the episode began, Liz and her boyfriend Criss made a spontaneous decision to get married at the courthouse.  Liz is someone who abhors the whole wedding industry and she was determined to stay as far away from a traditional wedding as possible.  So they intentionally dressed down for the ceremony and grabbed a couple of homeless men to be their witnesses.  Yet, Liz could not escape the gnawing feeling that she did want their wedding day to be special, though definitely not traditional.  Finally, after lots of the craziness that 30 Rock does so well, Liz and Criss got married on their own terms: Liz wore her Princess Leia costume, while Criss gave her a wedding ring purchased at a police auction.  Tony Bennett sang “Just In Time” as the couple kissed, while the homeless men danced together.  A perfect 30 Rock wedding!

Besides the fact that I’m a 30 Rock fan, why mention this?  Well, if Liz and Criss were real people, and if they had contacted a Life-Cycle Celebrant® to officiate at their ceremony, then they would have been able to work with a ceremony expert who would have helped them plan their wedding in a way that was meaningful for them, but without all of the stress. And “drama.”  Or comedy.  Which is great for TV, but not nearly as much fun in real life!

So, congratulations to Liz and Criss!  And for you other, real life couples who want your own ceremony to be as unique as you are, check out your local Life-Cycle Celebrant® who will help you create your own memorable and meaningful ceremony!

Blessing for a Marriage

I have just finished my final drafts for this weekend’s ceremonies.  For Saturday’s ceremony, Madison and Steve chose one of my favorite blessings, written by poet and Unity Church minister, James Dillet Freeman.  He is sometimes referred to as the “poet laureate to the moon” because his poems were taken there on two different missions, Apollo 11 and Apollo 15.  This blessing is, however, both spiritual and very down to earth.  Enjoy!

 

Blessing for a Marriage, by James Dillet Freeman

May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding.

May you always need one another — not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness. A mountain needs a valley to be complete. The valley does not make the mountain less, but more. And the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it. So let it be with you and you.

May you need one another, but not out of weakness. May you want one another, but not out of lack. May you entice one another, but not compel one another. May you embrace one another, but not out encircle one another. May you succeed in all-important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces.

May you look for things to praise, often say, “I love you!” and take no notice of small faults. If you have quarrels that push you apart, may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.

May you enter into the mystery that is the awareness of one another’s presence — no more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities.

May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy. May you have love, and may you find it loving one another.

 

Illinois Civil Union: Joe and Gregg

When we met to discuss their ceremony, Joe and Gregg told me that they wanted a “simple, elegant ceremony with class!”  More than that, they wanted the ceremony to emphasize the importance of family in their lives.  Indeed, without their family’s encouragement to have a bigger celebration, it is likely they would have just gone to the court house for their civil union.  Instead, earlier this year, Gregg and Joe gathered at Tony’s in Alton with their closest family members for an enthusiastic celebration of their loving commitment to each other.  Congratulations!

 

Coffee Shop Civil Union: Ivan and Jeff

We had agreed to meet at a coffee shop in Edwardsville last month. It was the simplest ceremony I’ve ever done. But they wanted it that way.

Jeff and Ivan had just celebrated their 14th anniversary as a couple, and now that civil unions are available in Illinois, they wanted legal recognition for their well-seasoned union. I asked them why not have a bigger ceremony and celebration? They smiled and replied, maybe next year for their fifteenth anniversary. We finished up the paperwork and they headed back home to celebrate their union with a few close friends.

It is a privilege and a blessing for me to officiate at ceremonies in which two people vow to love each other for a lifetime. Whenever someone takes a stand for love, whether in a wedding ceremony, civil union, or commitment ceremony, I find that my own commitments to loving relationships are strengthened. Ivan and Jeff, thank you for standing up and celebrating your love!